Numb

I've not written in a day or two because I just can't seem to wrap my head around all that's gone on.  All Katy and I seem to do is either sit and cry or stare at the wall.

They've still not found your body. I don't think they seem to think they are going to. Jacob has been by several times, even when he's not working, to check on us. I can sense the hopelessness in him. I don't think he has any faith that they will find you.

We're just waiting to see, I guess.  I really don't know what happens next.

James is as stoic as ever. I worry. I phoned him earlier to see where he was - really I was just checking up on him.  He told me he and Blair would be by "to talk." Something in his voice has me uneasy. I don't recognize this part of him. I don't know why, but it makes me nervous.

I know it's absolutely nuts, but now that (I guess) you are gone, I feel like you are here more than ever since you left. It's like you'll be in the next room when I turn the corner. I can't explain it. But it's like you are here - or you were just here, two steps ahead of me... Out of reach.

I don't know where to go from here.

I don't know what comes next.

I don't know what to do.

I don't really hate you, by the way.

I think I'm just numb.