I've never been a good liar. Which is how all this got started in the first damned place. I just wanted out. I couldn't lie anymore.
I never meant for any of this to happen. Not like this.
You were just supposed to go missing. I still don't know what really went wrong. When Gary told me we had problems, I had no idea just how wrong it had all gone.
And I knew I was stuck. I knew I was in trouble. I thought this little blog project could become my alibi - but I don't think even it is going to save us now. Gary's gone completely off his rocker and who knows what he's told to whom. The night he and I got into it, when Brian threw him out, he was ready to go to the police and tell them everything. That's what the fight was really about...
How you ended up on the side of the road and not in the damned car is beyond me. Problems, indeed. You always said Gary could fuck up just about anything though. How's that for irony?
I know it's just a matter of time now before they put all the pieces together. They have the laptop. I'm sure there's a way to tell those reservations were made from it. I never thought they'd catch that other credit card. I figured they'd just check the bank accounts. Little did I know. The fucking ring I am sure is a dead giveaway too... What husband going missing buys thousand dollar diamond rings on his way out of town? I have to wonder if they have known all along and were just waiting on me to hang myself...
Not that I am the hanging type, but they won't have to wait long in any case.
I'm pretty sure it was Gary's crazy ass that started the fire, too. Trying to find or hide whatever evidence he thought was here. His missed the cell phone, who knows what else is here with both of our 'fingerprints' all over it.
I guess I am damning Gary with this last post, too. I really don't care. It's his damned fault we're in this mess. If he'd have stuck to the plan, it would have just been an unfortunate car accident and we could have gotten away - both with it and from here.
Now we're up to our eyeballs in this mess with no way out.
I'm not cut our for prison. I simply refuse.
So - the kids are set - your life insurance will cover the house. Their trust funds will have them pretty well set well into adulthood. The house insurance will cover the fire damage if they choose to stay here. The house will belong to them to do with as they wish.
As for me, it's time to take my final bow. I just can't keep up this game anymore. This blog is exhausting. These lies are tripping all over themselves. I am sure Jacob is wise to much more than he is letting me know. And who knows what little Miss Busybody Billie is onto - relentless bitch.
So with that, and this final glass of wine, I bid you all farewell.
Katy, I know you will be fine. You're my princess and I love you so much. I'm sorry I wont' be here to see you married. I hope you and Brian stick together and make a happy life with each other. You are destined for such great things.
James, my rock, I love you more than you realize. I hope you and Blair are happy. Stick with it. I know graduation is just around the corner and your life is about to open up with possibility. Know that I will be watching over you from above.
Don't cry for me when I am gone. Don't do a big funeral. I always hated all of that.
Know that I am always with you and will love you forever.
I'm sorry for it all. This was never how I imagined it ending.
Much love.
As the smoke clears
I had almost managed to convince myself over the weekend that it was all some sort of bad dream, a huge mistake.
That I would drive up the road to our house and it would be situation normal.
Not that I could even choose to forget while away, especially as I jump every time the phone rings now.
The kids are spooked. Katy fretted all weekend about Brian, her room, and her stuff, almost frantic over the thought that her collection of teddy bears and toy rabbits had been destroyed.
James spent a lot of time on his phone. Mostly talking to Blair I think.
And yes, before we left, we called in on your parents.
Your mother has been in constant hysterics. Apparently everything is my fault again. She kept saying that you were her son and it is her right to organise your funeral.
At her church. With all those dreadful judgmental over-the-top friends of hers.
She went on and on about it, until I just stood up and announced that we were leaving for the weekend.
Your father walked me to the door and told me quietly that he was going to see if the family doctor would prescribe some sort of sedative for her. I hope so. She is so close to going off the rails completely and quite honestly, I can't deal with it.
So after a couple of nights away, I was finally able to get back to the house and try and work out our next step.
Yes, I am back to writing my lists.
In the daylight, it doesn't seem as bad as it did Friday night.
The main living areas, although soggy and dirty don't seem to be too badly damaged thankfully.
And the kids rooms too, can probably be sorted with a fresh coat of paint and new carpets.
The insurance assessor, along with someone from the fire department, met us at the house and together we walked through.
All indications are that the fire was started in your office. Most probably with some sort of petrol bomb.
All I could think was that the motive was "if we cant find it, we will destroy it".
What ever "it" is.
Although I am beginning to believe "it" is your laptop which at the moment is safely with Blair.
James told me on the weekend that he has made a back up of your files as well. To some "cloud" or something.
Too technical for me.
I have told him that it is time to hand it over to the police, so I called Jacob after the insurance guy left.
Whatever you have been involved with, David, I can't sort it on my own.
This fire made me realise that we are all in danger now.
And as much as I am sick to death of dealing with uniforms and guys in suits, I have to protect our children.
They are all I have left now.
Jacob is at the door, and this time he has someone else with him. A guy in a suit, of course.
Hopefully we can now get some answers.
That I would drive up the road to our house and it would be situation normal.
Not that I could even choose to forget while away, especially as I jump every time the phone rings now.
The kids are spooked. Katy fretted all weekend about Brian, her room, and her stuff, almost frantic over the thought that her collection of teddy bears and toy rabbits had been destroyed.
James spent a lot of time on his phone. Mostly talking to Blair I think.
And yes, before we left, we called in on your parents.
Your mother has been in constant hysterics. Apparently everything is my fault again. She kept saying that you were her son and it is her right to organise your funeral.
At her church. With all those dreadful judgmental over-the-top friends of hers.
She went on and on about it, until I just stood up and announced that we were leaving for the weekend.
Your father walked me to the door and told me quietly that he was going to see if the family doctor would prescribe some sort of sedative for her. I hope so. She is so close to going off the rails completely and quite honestly, I can't deal with it.
So after a couple of nights away, I was finally able to get back to the house and try and work out our next step.
Yes, I am back to writing my lists.
In the daylight, it doesn't seem as bad as it did Friday night.
The main living areas, although soggy and dirty don't seem to be too badly damaged thankfully.
And the kids rooms too, can probably be sorted with a fresh coat of paint and new carpets.
The insurance assessor, along with someone from the fire department, met us at the house and together we walked through.
All indications are that the fire was started in your office. Most probably with some sort of petrol bomb.
All I could think was that the motive was "if we cant find it, we will destroy it".
What ever "it" is.
Although I am beginning to believe "it" is your laptop which at the moment is safely with Blair.
James told me on the weekend that he has made a back up of your files as well. To some "cloud" or something.
Too technical for me.
I have told him that it is time to hand it over to the police, so I called Jacob after the insurance guy left.
Whatever you have been involved with, David, I can't sort it on my own.
This fire made me realise that we are all in danger now.
And as much as I am sick to death of dealing with uniforms and guys in suits, I have to protect our children.
They are all I have left now.
Jacob is at the door, and this time he has someone else with him. A guy in a suit, of course.
Hopefully we can now get some answers.
Down in Flames
I'm taking the kids out of town for the weekend. We'd have to stay in a hotel anyway, so might as well get away for a bit.
All hell has broken loose.
The house caught fire last night. Thank goodness we were all away when it happened. They don't know the cause of it yet, of course, but with everything else that's gone on this month, I can't help but to imagine the worst.
I don't understand why you made hotel reservations without telling me about it. But then again, I don't know why you disappeared. James showed me a lot of other stuff on the laptop. Seems you were researching a whole bunch of crap that makes absolutely no sense. I can't say I understand any of it - and there's a lot of it... Or how you managed to send a text message from your phone after you left when I found your phone - smashed - here in the yard. I just don't understand.
The house is a complete disaster. What isn't burnt is either soaking wet or covered in soot and smoke. I don't know what we will be able to salvage, if anything. It's like my whole world has been yanked out from under me in a matter of weeks.
I'm going to pick the kids up in a little bit and we'll take the weekend away and try to regroup. I don't know where to go from here. Your parents told me to stop by before I got the kids. They want to talk. This is one I am not looking forward to. As long as they don't dump anything else in my lap, I really just don't care at this point. What point IS there in caring right now? I can't see much.
They're not releasing your body til all the test results get back, so there's no point in even worrying about a funeral in the middle of all this other stuff.
I don't even know if you will have a funeral...
I sure hope the house insurance is paid up.
I don't dare ask what next.... I'm afraid on what the answer might be.
All hell has broken loose.
The house caught fire last night. Thank goodness we were all away when it happened. They don't know the cause of it yet, of course, but with everything else that's gone on this month, I can't help but to imagine the worst.
I don't understand why you made hotel reservations without telling me about it. But then again, I don't know why you disappeared. James showed me a lot of other stuff on the laptop. Seems you were researching a whole bunch of crap that makes absolutely no sense. I can't say I understand any of it - and there's a lot of it... Or how you managed to send a text message from your phone after you left when I found your phone - smashed - here in the yard. I just don't understand.
The house is a complete disaster. What isn't burnt is either soaking wet or covered in soot and smoke. I don't know what we will be able to salvage, if anything. It's like my whole world has been yanked out from under me in a matter of weeks.
I'm going to pick the kids up in a little bit and we'll take the weekend away and try to regroup. I don't know where to go from here. Your parents told me to stop by before I got the kids. They want to talk. This is one I am not looking forward to. As long as they don't dump anything else in my lap, I really just don't care at this point. What point IS there in caring right now? I can't see much.
They're not releasing your body til all the test results get back, so there's no point in even worrying about a funeral in the middle of all this other stuff.
I don't even know if you will have a funeral...
I sure hope the house insurance is paid up.
I don't dare ask what next.... I'm afraid on what the answer might be.
Lady in Red
Dear David,
I have no idea why I am still addressing these journal entries to you.
Not like you will ever read them.
It is 2am and I am trying to write this quietly while sitting on the spare bed at Sue's house.
As if things couldn't get any crazier, tonight I came home from work to find the house broken into and your office and our room completely ransacked.
They, who ever they are, forced the back door. Thank god the kids were not at home.
I have no idea what they were looking for or even if they took anything.
I just stood there, looking at the mess and crumbled. Sat on the floor like an idiot and cried.
Then I rang Jacob, who came around with a couple of other police officers.
They asked me all sorts of questions I couldn't answer.
They suggested I should spend the night away from the house. I was worried about leaving, with the back door damaged, but Jacob reassured me that he would have an officer stay in the house until I was able to get it fixed tomorrow.
I could tell that they think there is more to the break in than just a random burglary. They kept asking me if there had been any strange calls, messages or even unusual cars in the street.
I told them about the Facebook stuff, even the weird things that Billie Paulson was saying and then I remembered the car that had parked across the road several times since you disappeared.
When I rang the kids to tell them, both of them agreed to stay with Brian for the night. I am happier with them being together and away from the house.
You are safe and sound at the coroners. I agreed to a full autopsy, although I think that was merely a formality. It was going to happen anyway.
All they have told me so far is that it seems you died about a week ago, yet you have been gone for nearly three weeks.
This just does my head in. I kept thinking that you were in the house with me, and now I will never really know for sure.
I am still finding the juice on the bench and the radio playing, fixed on your daggy station.
I turn it off, leave the room and when I return, it is on again.
Actually my meltdown over the break in was the second for the day.
The first was finding that bloody juice out again. I just lost it. Threw it at the wall.
And of course, then I had to clean it up.
All by myself.
Your boss called today. Asked if he could borrow your laptop to retrieve some work stuff.
I told him that I didn't know where it was.
I can't risk giving it to anyone until James lets me really look at it. He is guarding it like it is the crown jewels.
Perhaps it is just that it is yours.
Katy has taken to wearing your favorite old t-shirt. The really faded one that I have wanted to throw out for months.
I am just letting them grieve in the only way they can. Perhaps after the funeral, we can actually start looking to the future again.
I wanted to see your body but they wouldn't let me. After a week in a ditch beside a lonely country road, you are not your usual handsome self I guess.
They are going to do DNA, Toxicology and other tests to try to work out just how you died and when they figure that out, then we can start making arrangements.
Don't expect me to wear black to your funeral.
I will find a dress that you would have loved, something that shows off my legs.
You always liked me in a short dress.
Maybe red.
You used to love me in red.
What am I going to do without you?
I have no idea why I am still addressing these journal entries to you.
Not like you will ever read them.
It is 2am and I am trying to write this quietly while sitting on the spare bed at Sue's house.
As if things couldn't get any crazier, tonight I came home from work to find the house broken into and your office and our room completely ransacked.
They, who ever they are, forced the back door. Thank god the kids were not at home.
I have no idea what they were looking for or even if they took anything.
I just stood there, looking at the mess and crumbled. Sat on the floor like an idiot and cried.
Then I rang Jacob, who came around with a couple of other police officers.
They asked me all sorts of questions I couldn't answer.
They suggested I should spend the night away from the house. I was worried about leaving, with the back door damaged, but Jacob reassured me that he would have an officer stay in the house until I was able to get it fixed tomorrow.
I could tell that they think there is more to the break in than just a random burglary. They kept asking me if there had been any strange calls, messages or even unusual cars in the street.
I told them about the Facebook stuff, even the weird things that Billie Paulson was saying and then I remembered the car that had parked across the road several times since you disappeared.
When I rang the kids to tell them, both of them agreed to stay with Brian for the night. I am happier with them being together and away from the house.
You are safe and sound at the coroners. I agreed to a full autopsy, although I think that was merely a formality. It was going to happen anyway.
All they have told me so far is that it seems you died about a week ago, yet you have been gone for nearly three weeks.
This just does my head in. I kept thinking that you were in the house with me, and now I will never really know for sure.
I am still finding the juice on the bench and the radio playing, fixed on your daggy station.
I turn it off, leave the room and when I return, it is on again.
Actually my meltdown over the break in was the second for the day.
The first was finding that bloody juice out again. I just lost it. Threw it at the wall.
And of course, then I had to clean it up.
All by myself.
Your boss called today. Asked if he could borrow your laptop to retrieve some work stuff.
I told him that I didn't know where it was.
I can't risk giving it to anyone until James lets me really look at it. He is guarding it like it is the crown jewels.
Perhaps it is just that it is yours.
Katy has taken to wearing your favorite old t-shirt. The really faded one that I have wanted to throw out for months.
I am just letting them grieve in the only way they can. Perhaps after the funeral, we can actually start looking to the future again.
I wanted to see your body but they wouldn't let me. After a week in a ditch beside a lonely country road, you are not your usual handsome self I guess.
They are going to do DNA, Toxicology and other tests to try to work out just how you died and when they figure that out, then we can start making arrangements.
Don't expect me to wear black to your funeral.
I will find a dress that you would have loved, something that shows off my legs.
You always liked me in a short dress.
Maybe red.
You used to love me in red.
What am I going to do without you?
Everything's Changed
I've been staring at a blank screen for what seems like days...
I guess you won't be coming home.
They found your body.
I thought I would have more of a reaction than I have. I guess, somewhere deep down, I knew. When I saw your father's car pull in the drive, I knew. Apparently he was your emergency contact in your wallet. No one seems to know what happened. Your wallet was with you, full of your cards - and even some cash... Your ID. Doesn't look like you were robbed. There's no sign that you fought anyone off... No sign of a struggle.
You're just...
Dead.
They'll do an autopsy of course. Perhaps that will tell. Why you were two towns over on some random back road is anyone's guess. How you got there while your car went for a swim here is yet another unknown.
And it seems you were planning this. Well, maybe not dying, but your whole escape seems to be planned out. James brought me the laptop today - finally. I knew there was something he wasn't telling me. It looks like you'd planned this trip. I thought maybe your wallet was stolen and someone else was responsible for the hotel and all that, but it was you...
Why???
Where were you going? Why were you leaving us?
I just don't understand any of it.
James has his theories, but he's not saying anything. At least it's not Katy's wild conspiracies come to life, I guess. He told me, "just give me a few days, Mom..."
Whatever that means. He won't let me have the laptop. I wonder what ELSE he's not telling me...
Katy won't come out of her room. Brian's here with her but all she seems to do is sleep. He's really been the glue holding us together lately. James is always gone. You're gone. And everything has changed...
I guess I need to figure out a funeral. I guess I don't have to worry about life insurance covering the mortgage now.
This seems like such a grande finale, but there is still so much unanswered. I still feel like you're not really gone. I can't explain it.
But so many calls to make. So much to do.
Just...
...wow.
You really are dead.
I guess you won't be coming home.
They found your body.
I thought I would have more of a reaction than I have. I guess, somewhere deep down, I knew. When I saw your father's car pull in the drive, I knew. Apparently he was your emergency contact in your wallet. No one seems to know what happened. Your wallet was with you, full of your cards - and even some cash... Your ID. Doesn't look like you were robbed. There's no sign that you fought anyone off... No sign of a struggle.
You're just...
Dead.
They'll do an autopsy of course. Perhaps that will tell. Why you were two towns over on some random back road is anyone's guess. How you got there while your car went for a swim here is yet another unknown.
And it seems you were planning this. Well, maybe not dying, but your whole escape seems to be planned out. James brought me the laptop today - finally. I knew there was something he wasn't telling me. It looks like you'd planned this trip. I thought maybe your wallet was stolen and someone else was responsible for the hotel and all that, but it was you...
Why???
Where were you going? Why were you leaving us?
I just don't understand any of it.
James has his theories, but he's not saying anything. At least it's not Katy's wild conspiracies come to life, I guess. He told me, "just give me a few days, Mom..."
Whatever that means. He won't let me have the laptop. I wonder what ELSE he's not telling me...
Katy won't come out of her room. Brian's here with her but all she seems to do is sleep. He's really been the glue holding us together lately. James is always gone. You're gone. And everything has changed...
I guess I need to figure out a funeral. I guess I don't have to worry about life insurance covering the mortgage now.
This seems like such a grande finale, but there is still so much unanswered. I still feel like you're not really gone. I can't explain it.
But so many calls to make. So much to do.
Just...
...wow.
You really are dead.
Pebbles
Dear David,
Finally the weekend.
Getting used to making my own coffee each morning, although it was always my turn on the weekends anyway.
I seem to be falling into a regular routine.
The alarm goes off. Usually a minute or two after I have woken up already.
I stretch, roll over and then realise you are not there.
Then I get up, grab my empty cup from the night before, walk out to the kitchen and avoiding tripping over the cat, wash the cup, put the coffee maker on and return the orange juice to the fridge.
Every morning, it is back on the bench.
I nearly didn't buy any this week, but it is one habit I am not prepared to break yet.
No work today.
Instead I finally worked up the courage to head down the coast to where they found your car.
For the longest time, I just sat in the car park at the southern end of the beach, looking at the cliffs, trying to work out exactly where your car landed.
It was quiet just sitting there with my thoughts.
I keep trying to figure out the puzzle.
Why was your phone in the garden?
Why do things keep moving, disappearing and appearing?
And the hotel booking? Tiffany's? Was your wallet stolen? Your car?
Why haven't they found anything of yours? Apart from the phone?
I can't shake the feeling James is still keeping something from me, apart from the fact that he has a boyfriend.
I like Blair. I really do. And I can see they care about each other.
It is good that our kids have someone to lean on at the moment.
Sue has been my rock. She is coming around tonight. I am lucky that Paul is so understanding too. Both of them keep checking on me.
I ended up walking down the cliff path to where they found your car. It is no longer there, towed away by the police the same day they discovered it.
The insurance company has said they will pay out on it in full. One small blessing I guess.
Your work called yesterday. You have just about run out of accrued leave and by the end of the month they will be stopping your pay.
I have no idea how I am going to be able to afford the mortgage when that happens.
You had life insurance, enough to cover all that, but seeing as they can't officially declare you dead yet, I have no idea when or if I will get any payout.
To be honest, I am scared. I guess I will have to sell the house.
And it doesn't help with that stupid woman "Billie" telling people that she knows you are alive.
What does she know that the police don't?
People have asked me when the funeral is. Can you even have a funeral without a body?
So many questions. And no answers.
I sat on the rocks, stared into the water and wondered if you felt any fear as the car went over the edge.
Did you know you were going to die?
Did you think of me?
I actually hope this is all a big mistake, that perhaps your car was stolen and you are somewhere.
But then, surely, someone would know where you are, and somebody would have come forward with proper proof.
It is easy to lose myself in the what ifs and the maybes.
Much easier than the actual.
In the end, on a whimsy I gathered pebbles into a heart shape and with a twig wrote your name.
And as I watched the waves wash over it, erasing your name and scattering the pebbles, I turned and walked back to the car.
One foot in front of the other.
Making a "to do" list in my head as always.
Best to keep busy.
Finally the weekend.
Getting used to making my own coffee each morning, although it was always my turn on the weekends anyway.
I seem to be falling into a regular routine.
The alarm goes off. Usually a minute or two after I have woken up already.
I stretch, roll over and then realise you are not there.
Then I get up, grab my empty cup from the night before, walk out to the kitchen and avoiding tripping over the cat, wash the cup, put the coffee maker on and return the orange juice to the fridge.
Every morning, it is back on the bench.
I nearly didn't buy any this week, but it is one habit I am not prepared to break yet.
No work today.
Instead I finally worked up the courage to head down the coast to where they found your car.
For the longest time, I just sat in the car park at the southern end of the beach, looking at the cliffs, trying to work out exactly where your car landed.
It was quiet just sitting there with my thoughts.
I keep trying to figure out the puzzle.
Why was your phone in the garden?
Why do things keep moving, disappearing and appearing?
And the hotel booking? Tiffany's? Was your wallet stolen? Your car?
Why haven't they found anything of yours? Apart from the phone?
I can't shake the feeling James is still keeping something from me, apart from the fact that he has a boyfriend.
I like Blair. I really do. And I can see they care about each other.
It is good that our kids have someone to lean on at the moment.
Sue has been my rock. She is coming around tonight. I am lucky that Paul is so understanding too. Both of them keep checking on me.
I ended up walking down the cliff path to where they found your car. It is no longer there, towed away by the police the same day they discovered it.
The insurance company has said they will pay out on it in full. One small blessing I guess.
Your work called yesterday. You have just about run out of accrued leave and by the end of the month they will be stopping your pay.
I have no idea how I am going to be able to afford the mortgage when that happens.
You had life insurance, enough to cover all that, but seeing as they can't officially declare you dead yet, I have no idea when or if I will get any payout.
To be honest, I am scared. I guess I will have to sell the house.
And it doesn't help with that stupid woman "Billie" telling people that she knows you are alive.
What does she know that the police don't?
People have asked me when the funeral is. Can you even have a funeral without a body?
So many questions. And no answers.
I sat on the rocks, stared into the water and wondered if you felt any fear as the car went over the edge.
Did you know you were going to die?
Did you think of me?
I actually hope this is all a big mistake, that perhaps your car was stolen and you are somewhere.
But then, surely, someone would know where you are, and somebody would have come forward with proper proof.
It is easy to lose myself in the what ifs and the maybes.
Much easier than the actual.
In the end, on a whimsy I gathered pebbles into a heart shape and with a twig wrote your name.
And as I watched the waves wash over it, erasing your name and scattering the pebbles, I turned and walked back to the car.
One foot in front of the other.
Making a "to do" list in my head as always.
Best to keep busy.
Hell: fresh and otherwise.
Bloody Hell...
I only thought the last few days have been crazy.
I don't even know where to start to sort it all out.
I met Blair. He's a lovely boy. But I guess you knew that already. Thanks for telling me like you were supposed to. When James came home today with him in tow, I was so confused. I always assumed Blair was a girl. From the look on both of their faces, I just knew something else had happened. He looked more upset than he's ever looked over your absence. Turns out the big bad news was that they were... Well, they're more than friends. But you knew this too.
Poor James was afraid I'd lose it. I guess he forgot my best "girlfriend" growing up was Anthony. Before his time, I guess.
I was so relieved I cried.
Then laughed.
Then cried some more.
I am sure Blair thinks I am a lunatic. I don't think "Thank God!" was quite the reaction he expected. Though with everything else going on, I think I handled it all pretty well.
I also finally met that Billie Paulson woman. She must wear a ton of makeup and have really good lighting on tv, because she looks nothing like that in person. I am not sure what her angle is (I still suspect a rating boost for her little show), but she's adamant that your car was empty when it went into the water. She assures me she "has it on good authority" that you weren't in it. I didn't say much. I really have gone numb, I think.
I listened, politely. And asked her to leave.
She says she will be in touch.
Maybe her and Katy can get together and compare notes on their alien drag queen mafia kidnapping conspiracy theories. I just can't...
Sue called, too, to let me know Gary's gone completely off his rocker. He keeps calling, but after what happened I just can't with him either. He seems to think you're back from the other side for revenge or some such. He's seeing messages in foggy mirrors... Stuff being moved about the house. He even says he saw you staring in from outside his window. He's stayed with her and Paul the last couple of nights because he's afraid to go home. I always knew Gary liked to tie one on, but I never realized it was this bad. Is this why you'd never have him over when I invited? I really had no idea...
Brian's in there with Katy making breakfast. Yes, he stayed over. No. I don't care what you'd think.
You're not here anymore, are you?
And I have to get to work.
I can't wait to see what fresh hell arises today...
I only thought the last few days have been crazy.
I don't even know where to start to sort it all out.
I met Blair. He's a lovely boy. But I guess you knew that already. Thanks for telling me like you were supposed to. When James came home today with him in tow, I was so confused. I always assumed Blair was a girl. From the look on both of their faces, I just knew something else had happened. He looked more upset than he's ever looked over your absence. Turns out the big bad news was that they were... Well, they're more than friends. But you knew this too.
Poor James was afraid I'd lose it. I guess he forgot my best "girlfriend" growing up was Anthony. Before his time, I guess.
I was so relieved I cried.
Then laughed.
Then cried some more.
I am sure Blair thinks I am a lunatic. I don't think "Thank God!" was quite the reaction he expected. Though with everything else going on, I think I handled it all pretty well.
I also finally met that Billie Paulson woman. She must wear a ton of makeup and have really good lighting on tv, because she looks nothing like that in person. I am not sure what her angle is (I still suspect a rating boost for her little show), but she's adamant that your car was empty when it went into the water. She assures me she "has it on good authority" that you weren't in it. I didn't say much. I really have gone numb, I think.
I listened, politely. And asked her to leave.
She says she will be in touch.
Maybe her and Katy can get together and compare notes on their alien drag queen mafia kidnapping conspiracy theories. I just can't...
Sue called, too, to let me know Gary's gone completely off his rocker. He keeps calling, but after what happened I just can't with him either. He seems to think you're back from the other side for revenge or some such. He's seeing messages in foggy mirrors... Stuff being moved about the house. He even says he saw you staring in from outside his window. He's stayed with her and Paul the last couple of nights because he's afraid to go home. I always knew Gary liked to tie one on, but I never realized it was this bad. Is this why you'd never have him over when I invited? I really had no idea...
Brian's in there with Katy making breakfast. Yes, he stayed over. No. I don't care what you'd think.
You're not here anymore, are you?
And I have to get to work.
I can't wait to see what fresh hell arises today...
Realization
Dear David,
Today has been the craziest day.
First a phone call, early, to tell me officially that the search for your body has been called off...
I think as I put down the phone I was ready to accept that you are really gone, but then I saw the bottle of orange juice, left on the kitchen counter, just as you always did, no matter how many times I would grumble, and somehow I just can't shake the feeling that you are near.
Maybe it was me who left it there, although I don't remember getting it out of the fridge last night.
Or maybe it was one of the kids. It was just so odd to see it in the exact place you always left it.
I went to work.
I had to somehow feel normal, or maybe it was just an attempt to distract myself from what comes next.
People keep looking at me, their faces sad and their mouths move without making any sound at first as if they are struggling for words.
And I see the pity in their eyes as they finally offer awkward condolences.
And I let them hug me, listen to their offers of help and then watch them walk away.
The boss offered me more time off, but at the moment I need to work. Sitting home, answering the phone, pulling sympathy cards from the letterbox makes it too real.
It makes you dead.
Your mother came around today. I have never seen her look so broken. So hollow. Like the life in her has been sucked out and replaced by..I don't know what.
I guess I thought she would have been crying, but perhaps like me, she has run out of tears.
Instead, she hugged me. Perhaps the first genuine hug we have ever shared.
And then I made her a cup of tea. Of course, I could never make it as well as you could, but I guess I will learn.
I find myself wandering aimlessly when I'm alone in the house. I walked into your office at one time, almost asking you a question before realizing that you were not there.
I stopped there for a moment, looking at your desk and seeing it tidy as it usually is.
Although, it wasn't tidy yesterday, or the day before. It hasn't been tidy since I searched it, looking for some clue as to why you had left.
Perhaps James or Katy sorted it.
I was going to ask them, but Katy was out with Brian, and James, I think he was with Blair again.
I keep asking him about the laptop, but he is evasive so I am left to think that he is still trying to crack the password.
Billie Paulson rang again. She wants to come and talk to me. I asked her why, but all she would say was that she wanted to talk about you and perhaps she could put my mind at rest.
I really don't know why she is so insistent on coming to talk to me. I am worried that she wants to turn my life into a media circus. Nothing like a grieving widow to lift ratings I guess.
Gary keeps calling too. And I keep ignoring him. Although the last message he left was so weird.
He was rambling, I think he was drunk again. He kept saying he was sorry, and that you had left a message, scrawled across his mirror, telling him to stay away from me.
The guy has flipped out I think. You are dead.
And there is no such thing as ghosts.
James just rang.
Looks like I finally get to meet the mysterious Blair.
Today has been the craziest day.
First a phone call, early, to tell me officially that the search for your body has been called off...
I think as I put down the phone I was ready to accept that you are really gone, but then I saw the bottle of orange juice, left on the kitchen counter, just as you always did, no matter how many times I would grumble, and somehow I just can't shake the feeling that you are near.
Maybe it was me who left it there, although I don't remember getting it out of the fridge last night.
Or maybe it was one of the kids. It was just so odd to see it in the exact place you always left it.
I went to work.
I had to somehow feel normal, or maybe it was just an attempt to distract myself from what comes next.
People keep looking at me, their faces sad and their mouths move without making any sound at first as if they are struggling for words.
And I see the pity in their eyes as they finally offer awkward condolences.
And I let them hug me, listen to their offers of help and then watch them walk away.
The boss offered me more time off, but at the moment I need to work. Sitting home, answering the phone, pulling sympathy cards from the letterbox makes it too real.
It makes you dead.
Your mother came around today. I have never seen her look so broken. So hollow. Like the life in her has been sucked out and replaced by..I don't know what.
I guess I thought she would have been crying, but perhaps like me, she has run out of tears.
Instead, she hugged me. Perhaps the first genuine hug we have ever shared.
And then I made her a cup of tea. Of course, I could never make it as well as you could, but I guess I will learn.
I find myself wandering aimlessly when I'm alone in the house. I walked into your office at one time, almost asking you a question before realizing that you were not there.
I stopped there for a moment, looking at your desk and seeing it tidy as it usually is.
Although, it wasn't tidy yesterday, or the day before. It hasn't been tidy since I searched it, looking for some clue as to why you had left.
Perhaps James or Katy sorted it.
I was going to ask them, but Katy was out with Brian, and James, I think he was with Blair again.
I keep asking him about the laptop, but he is evasive so I am left to think that he is still trying to crack the password.
Billie Paulson rang again. She wants to come and talk to me. I asked her why, but all she would say was that she wanted to talk about you and perhaps she could put my mind at rest.
I really don't know why she is so insistent on coming to talk to me. I am worried that she wants to turn my life into a media circus. Nothing like a grieving widow to lift ratings I guess.
Gary keeps calling too. And I keep ignoring him. Although the last message he left was so weird.
He was rambling, I think he was drunk again. He kept saying he was sorry, and that you had left a message, scrawled across his mirror, telling him to stay away from me.
The guy has flipped out I think. You are dead.
And there is no such thing as ghosts.
James just rang.
Looks like I finally get to meet the mysterious Blair.
Numb
I've not written in a day or two because I just can't seem to wrap my head around all that's gone on. All Katy and I seem to do is either sit and cry or stare at the wall.
They've still not found your body. I don't think they seem to think they are going to. Jacob has been by several times, even when he's not working, to check on us. I can sense the hopelessness in him. I don't think he has any faith that they will find you.
We're just waiting to see, I guess. I really don't know what happens next.
James is as stoic as ever. I worry. I phoned him earlier to see where he was - really I was just checking up on him. He told me he and Blair would be by "to talk." Something in his voice has me uneasy. I don't recognize this part of him. I don't know why, but it makes me nervous.
I know it's absolutely nuts, but now that (I guess) you are gone, I feel like you are here more than ever since you left. It's like you'll be in the next room when I turn the corner. I can't explain it. But it's like you are here - or you were just here, two steps ahead of me... Out of reach.
I don't know where to go from here.
I don't know what comes next.
I don't know what to do.
I don't really hate you, by the way.
I think I'm just numb.
They've still not found your body. I don't think they seem to think they are going to. Jacob has been by several times, even when he's not working, to check on us. I can sense the hopelessness in him. I don't think he has any faith that they will find you.
We're just waiting to see, I guess. I really don't know what happens next.
James is as stoic as ever. I worry. I phoned him earlier to see where he was - really I was just checking up on him. He told me he and Blair would be by "to talk." Something in his voice has me uneasy. I don't recognize this part of him. I don't know why, but it makes me nervous.
I know it's absolutely nuts, but now that (I guess) you are gone, I feel like you are here more than ever since you left. It's like you'll be in the next room when I turn the corner. I can't explain it. But it's like you are here - or you were just here, two steps ahead of me... Out of reach.
I don't know where to go from here.
I don't know what comes next.
I don't know what to do.
I don't really hate you, by the way.
I think I'm just numb.
The Car
Oh my Darling,
As much as I have been begging for answers, I really wasn't expecting this.
The door bell rang, early, 7am I think, as I was just getting ready for work.
Detective Sommers was at the door, and with him a female constable and when I saw the look on their faces, my heart stopped.
As much as I wanted to slam the door and run and hide, I let them in and of course they did the whole "do you want to sit down?" thing.
I guess it was a visit I had been expecting.
Jacob, Detective Sommers, held my hands as he told me that they had found your car.
A person walking their dog had spotted it, at low tide, half submerged at the bottom of North Beach cliff.
The car, completely wrecked, your car, your pride and joy, windscreen smashed and chassis crumpled.
They checked the number plates, there is no doubt. Your car.
There were divers looking, but so far they haven't found your body.
Jacob seems to think that it was some unfortunate accident. It isn't the first car that has missed the bend and ended up on the rocks.
I could see that they believe the mystery is solved, even without finding you.
The tides are unpredictable, they said. The water deep, and sharks common.
They will continue looking. Checking local beaches.
I think they expected me to break down but instead, all I felt was hollow.
I think I thanked them, and then after closing the door behind them, I went to wake the children.
Katy of course, went into denial, insisting that they must be wrong, that you weren't in the car and it was all an awful joke.
And James, all James did was look at me and walk back into his room. He wont talk to me and I am so worried. All he does is stay in his room, or he is over at Blair's house. He says he is going to school, and I can only trust that he is, but it is like waiting for a grenade to go off.
It isn't right or good that he is keeping everything bottled up like this.
And then I called your Mother.
She answered this time. And went so quiet as I told her what the police had told me, that your car had been found, but you were still...missing.
And all she said when I finished was "okay" and hung up, leaving me looking at the phone in disbelief.
I rang work then, told them that I wasn't coming in. I am lucky they haven't sacked me yet I guess, with all the time I have been taking off. Wouldn't blame them in some ways, even when I have been there, my mind has been elsewhere.
The strangest thing though, when I woke up, I could have sworn I smelled your cologne. Like you had been our room with me. And then I found the iPod playing our song, stuck on repeat.
But you are dead, I need to believe this.
Your car is totaled at the bottom of a cliff and you are not coming home.
You broke your promise.
We were going to grow old together.
Travel, and spoil our grand kids.
I think I hate you.
As much as I have been begging for answers, I really wasn't expecting this.
The door bell rang, early, 7am I think, as I was just getting ready for work.
Detective Sommers was at the door, and with him a female constable and when I saw the look on their faces, my heart stopped.
As much as I wanted to slam the door and run and hide, I let them in and of course they did the whole "do you want to sit down?" thing.
I guess it was a visit I had been expecting.
Jacob, Detective Sommers, held my hands as he told me that they had found your car.
A person walking their dog had spotted it, at low tide, half submerged at the bottom of North Beach cliff.
The car, completely wrecked, your car, your pride and joy, windscreen smashed and chassis crumpled.
They checked the number plates, there is no doubt. Your car.
There were divers looking, but so far they haven't found your body.
Jacob seems to think that it was some unfortunate accident. It isn't the first car that has missed the bend and ended up on the rocks.
I could see that they believe the mystery is solved, even without finding you.
The tides are unpredictable, they said. The water deep, and sharks common.
They will continue looking. Checking local beaches.
I think they expected me to break down but instead, all I felt was hollow.
I think I thanked them, and then after closing the door behind them, I went to wake the children.
Katy of course, went into denial, insisting that they must be wrong, that you weren't in the car and it was all an awful joke.
And James, all James did was look at me and walk back into his room. He wont talk to me and I am so worried. All he does is stay in his room, or he is over at Blair's house. He says he is going to school, and I can only trust that he is, but it is like waiting for a grenade to go off.
It isn't right or good that he is keeping everything bottled up like this.
And then I called your Mother.
She answered this time. And went so quiet as I told her what the police had told me, that your car had been found, but you were still...missing.
And all she said when I finished was "okay" and hung up, leaving me looking at the phone in disbelief.
I rang work then, told them that I wasn't coming in. I am lucky they haven't sacked me yet I guess, with all the time I have been taking off. Wouldn't blame them in some ways, even when I have been there, my mind has been elsewhere.
The strangest thing though, when I woke up, I could have sworn I smelled your cologne. Like you had been our room with me. And then I found the iPod playing our song, stuck on repeat.
But you are dead, I need to believe this.
Your car is totaled at the bottom of a cliff and you are not coming home.
You broke your promise.
We were going to grow old together.
Travel, and spoil our grand kids.
I think I hate you.
Crazy?
I think I am losing my mind.
I was just in the kitchen getting coffee ready for the morning. I glanced up and saw you standing behind me in the reflection in the window. Dropped the coffee pot. Glass and water went everywhere. Of course, you're not here. As I was cleaning up the mess I found your lucky stone. The one you picked up on the beach where we first met. The one you always have in your pocket. You've carried it with you for two decades now. And I find it under the edge of the cabinet. Why don't you have it with you???
We always joked that if one of us 'went' before the other we'd come back. We'd give each other a sign... Is this your sign? I am so.... stunned? Confused? Scared. I'm sitting here looking at this little rock - worn smooth and shiny from years and years of your touch. I KNOW it's the same one. I've never known you not to have it. Even when you had surgery, you had it with you at the hospital.
But here it is.
I just noticed your boots are missing... I am almost certain they were by the door just days ago. After you left... I think. I remember wondering where the mud came from.
Was that before or after you left?
Did Sue put them away???
David, I don't know what's going on. Maybe I am just to the point of exhaustion that I am losing my mind.
I swear it was you behind me.
Where are you?
What the hell is going on?
I was just in the kitchen getting coffee ready for the morning. I glanced up and saw you standing behind me in the reflection in the window. Dropped the coffee pot. Glass and water went everywhere. Of course, you're not here. As I was cleaning up the mess I found your lucky stone. The one you picked up on the beach where we first met. The one you always have in your pocket. You've carried it with you for two decades now. And I find it under the edge of the cabinet. Why don't you have it with you???
We always joked that if one of us 'went' before the other we'd come back. We'd give each other a sign... Is this your sign? I am so.... stunned? Confused? Scared. I'm sitting here looking at this little rock - worn smooth and shiny from years and years of your touch. I KNOW it's the same one. I've never known you not to have it. Even when you had surgery, you had it with you at the hospital.
But here it is.
I just noticed your boots are missing... I am almost certain they were by the door just days ago. After you left... I think. I remember wondering where the mud came from.
Was that before or after you left?
Did Sue put them away???
David, I don't know what's going on. Maybe I am just to the point of exhaustion that I am losing my mind.
I swear it was you behind me.
Where are you?
What the hell is going on?
Back to the Real World
Oh what a day it's been... You know how work for me is when I've not been there in a while. It's like no one is able to do their jobs while I am away, so I walk into to a total disaster. Was a good distraction, though. I guess. Kept me occupied at least.
It's late now. Everyone fended for themselves for dinner, so if you walk in now, I hope you've already eaten.
The police have your phone. I hesitated handing it over - but with the screen smashed, there's not much I can do with it anyway. I still don't understand how you texted me from it AFTER you'd left, but yet it ends up here. Did you come back home in the middle of the day for something and then disappear? Were you here up until then. So many more questions than answers. I've still not told them about the laptop, though. I almost feel guilty about it. But I want to know first. I don't trust that they'll tell me everything. Paranoid.
Gary called to apologize. Left a message on the machine. But I just can't... I don't even know who he is.
The Paulson woman had to reschedule this morning, which is just as well. I think she's a kook anyway. Looked her up online and she is the one with that show that talks to ghosts or something like that. I can't imagine what she wants. One of the girls at work said she's probably an ambulance chaser. I just don't know what she would want with me, or how it connects - if it even does. She probably saw the Facebook page... I now almost regret letting Katy put that damned thing up. It's done more harm than good, it seems.
I don't really have much to say. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I miss you. I feel like this is the only way I have to talk to you - even if I'm not really talking to you...
I think I'll just go to bed. It's been a long day.
It's late now. Everyone fended for themselves for dinner, so if you walk in now, I hope you've already eaten.
The police have your phone. I hesitated handing it over - but with the screen smashed, there's not much I can do with it anyway. I still don't understand how you texted me from it AFTER you'd left, but yet it ends up here. Did you come back home in the middle of the day for something and then disappear? Were you here up until then. So many more questions than answers. I've still not told them about the laptop, though. I almost feel guilty about it. But I want to know first. I don't trust that they'll tell me everything. Paranoid.
Gary called to apologize. Left a message on the machine. But I just can't... I don't even know who he is.
The Paulson woman had to reschedule this morning, which is just as well. I think she's a kook anyway. Looked her up online and she is the one with that show that talks to ghosts or something like that. I can't imagine what she wants. One of the girls at work said she's probably an ambulance chaser. I just don't know what she would want with me, or how it connects - if it even does. She probably saw the Facebook page... I now almost regret letting Katy put that damned thing up. It's done more harm than good, it seems.
I don't really have much to say. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I miss you. I feel like this is the only way I have to talk to you - even if I'm not really talking to you...
I think I'll just go to bed. It's been a long day.
Gary
David,
It has been so long since I spent any time in the garden that I had forgotten how much I enjoyed getting down and digging in the dirt.
But I am feeling it now, the morning after spending the better part of an afternoon clearing the weeds and pruning the roses.
For the first time in nearly a week, I fell asleep as soon as I got into bed.
Seems a bit of hard labour and a lovely little white pill combine beautifully to help me drift off to sleep, although the dreams, oh my God, I don't think I have ever dreamed so vividly as I did last night.
My tired brain, decided to solve the problem of where you are.
It was so ridiculous I couldn't help but laugh as in my dream I watched you kidnapped by Drag Queens who shoved you into a pink, rhinestone bedazzled Hummer and drove off to the soundtrack of Madonna and Kylie.
Oh it came complete with a YouTube ransom note, you in a pair of tighty whities, bunny ears jammed on your head and your hands tied with a pink feather boa.
And just before it finished, up pops Felicia, complete with a diamond tiara still with the Tiffany tag dangling lip syncing to "I will Survive".
That will teach me to fall asleep with "Priscilla" still playing on the TV.
It was a bit of a shock to find your phone in the garden.
At least I think it is your phone. Looks like yours anyway.
The screen is smashed and it was completely dead, but I plugged it in to charge last night and hopefully this morning I can get it to turn on.
I had planned to try to sort it last night, but things kinda exploded.
Gary came over, finally. He had been away, apparently, and turned up on the door step, with a bottle of wine.
I didn't realise until I let him in that he had had a few before he came over.
One minute we are sitting down, and he is asking me questions and being all supportive and sympathetic, just like you would think an old friend would be, and the next minute he has his hand up my shirt and is trying to climb on top of me.
Gary, the best man at our wedding. Your friend from high school, has got his hands all over me.
So I screamed. I couldn't believe what was happening.
Next thing I know, both Brian and James are yelling and hauling him off me throwing him on the floor.
James just explodes.
It was terrifying. His anger.
Brian grabs James, and then shoves Gary towards the front door, telling him to "Fuck off and don't come back"
I was in complete shock. I heard Gary's car start up and reverse quickly out the drive as I locked the door.
By the time I had turned around, James had disappeared up to his room and had shut his door.
Brian was hugging an upset Katy, so I just went to the kitchen, took my sleeping tablet and went to bed.
Tomorrow I go back to work. It all feels surreal. I have no idea what I will say to everybody.
Today though, I have my list.
The phone,
My daily call to Jacob,
And there was a message from a Billie Paulson, I think she is from the paper, or maybe it was one of those current affairs shows, not sure but I guess I will find out when she turns up this morning.
Time to shower and get moving.
James was planning on taking the laptop over to Blair's house today. Two super geeks are always better than one and your password is proving a tough nut to crack.
It has been so long since I spent any time in the garden that I had forgotten how much I enjoyed getting down and digging in the dirt.
But I am feeling it now, the morning after spending the better part of an afternoon clearing the weeds and pruning the roses.
For the first time in nearly a week, I fell asleep as soon as I got into bed.
Seems a bit of hard labour and a lovely little white pill combine beautifully to help me drift off to sleep, although the dreams, oh my God, I don't think I have ever dreamed so vividly as I did last night.
My tired brain, decided to solve the problem of where you are.
It was so ridiculous I couldn't help but laugh as in my dream I watched you kidnapped by Drag Queens who shoved you into a pink, rhinestone bedazzled Hummer and drove off to the soundtrack of Madonna and Kylie.
Oh it came complete with a YouTube ransom note, you in a pair of tighty whities, bunny ears jammed on your head and your hands tied with a pink feather boa.
And just before it finished, up pops Felicia, complete with a diamond tiara still with the Tiffany tag dangling lip syncing to "I will Survive".
That will teach me to fall asleep with "Priscilla" still playing on the TV.
It was a bit of a shock to find your phone in the garden.
At least I think it is your phone. Looks like yours anyway.
The screen is smashed and it was completely dead, but I plugged it in to charge last night and hopefully this morning I can get it to turn on.
I had planned to try to sort it last night, but things kinda exploded.
Gary came over, finally. He had been away, apparently, and turned up on the door step, with a bottle of wine.
I didn't realise until I let him in that he had had a few before he came over.
One minute we are sitting down, and he is asking me questions and being all supportive and sympathetic, just like you would think an old friend would be, and the next minute he has his hand up my shirt and is trying to climb on top of me.
Gary, the best man at our wedding. Your friend from high school, has got his hands all over me.
So I screamed. I couldn't believe what was happening.
Next thing I know, both Brian and James are yelling and hauling him off me throwing him on the floor.
James just explodes.
It was terrifying. His anger.
Brian grabs James, and then shoves Gary towards the front door, telling him to "Fuck off and don't come back"
I was in complete shock. I heard Gary's car start up and reverse quickly out the drive as I locked the door.
By the time I had turned around, James had disappeared up to his room and had shut his door.
Brian was hugging an upset Katy, so I just went to the kitchen, took my sleeping tablet and went to bed.
Tomorrow I go back to work. It all feels surreal. I have no idea what I will say to everybody.
Today though, I have my list.
The phone,
My daily call to Jacob,
And there was a message from a Billie Paulson, I think she is from the paper, or maybe it was one of those current affairs shows, not sure but I guess I will find out when she turns up this morning.
Time to shower and get moving.
James was planning on taking the laptop over to Blair's house today. Two super geeks are always better than one and your password is proving a tough nut to crack.
Answers. More Questions.
I'm wearing so thin that I don't even know how to go on. I know I will. But I just don't see how. I've only got a little more than a day before I have to be back at work. You're still gone. And everything just becomes more and more strange the longer you are not here. But as much as I'd like to just crawl in bed and hide under the covers, I can't. Life is going on whether I want it to or not...
I know you probably wouldn't like him, but I thank goodness for Brian. He's holding Katy together and has taken over Facebook duties. He assures us it is just some 'internet troll' and there's nothing to worry about. I am not sure I understand it all, but I can't even deal with it right now. I'm glad he's in the picture, even if you wouldn't be.
The credit card business is even more confusing. Jacob - Detective Sommers - was able to obtain what charges were made at the Hyatt. It's seems you've booked reservations but not yet used them. It's for weeks away but he assures me that the hotel has been alerted to what's going on and will let us know if they hear from you - or anyone else, for that matter - in regard to the reservations. Why were you booking a hotel? Had you planned this all out in advance? Why are you gone now, though? They said the reservations were made online so maybe if James ever gets your laptop working we'll find some answers. Who knows??? Maybe there are no answers.
Tiffany's is being a little less forthcoming. They are demanding some sort of court order to release the purchase receipts. So who knows what the hell you bought there? I can't imagine... I just can't imagine. That's not like you at all. Tiffany's? You always told me it was too expensive. Too expensive for me. Then for who?
I felt really guilty, but I've contacted the bank, too. What little money we do have, you can't touch. If you really ARE in trouble and need it, I hope I made the right decision. I'm to the point now though where I have to think of the three of us here and not the one gone. I'm not angry - not as angry, I guess - as much as I am just facing reality. This has gone on too long to just sit and wait. I've got to begin to make sure we will be okay.
But the yard is mowed. For whatever that's worth. Your son is really stepping up in your absence. He's quiet and withdrawn, but he's holding it all together. I think you'd be proud.
Maybe I will get out there and tend to the garden now that the grass is cut. Give me something to do before I have to go back to work. I can't just sit here worrying and wondering and jumping every time the phone rings.
I keep hoping and wishing you'd come home. At the moment I don't know if I'd punch you or kiss you if you walked in that door.
I'm beginning to wonder if you ever will again...
I know you probably wouldn't like him, but I thank goodness for Brian. He's holding Katy together and has taken over Facebook duties. He assures us it is just some 'internet troll' and there's nothing to worry about. I am not sure I understand it all, but I can't even deal with it right now. I'm glad he's in the picture, even if you wouldn't be.
The credit card business is even more confusing. Jacob - Detective Sommers - was able to obtain what charges were made at the Hyatt. It's seems you've booked reservations but not yet used them. It's for weeks away but he assures me that the hotel has been alerted to what's going on and will let us know if they hear from you - or anyone else, for that matter - in regard to the reservations. Why were you booking a hotel? Had you planned this all out in advance? Why are you gone now, though? They said the reservations were made online so maybe if James ever gets your laptop working we'll find some answers. Who knows??? Maybe there are no answers.
Tiffany's is being a little less forthcoming. They are demanding some sort of court order to release the purchase receipts. So who knows what the hell you bought there? I can't imagine... I just can't imagine. That's not like you at all. Tiffany's? You always told me it was too expensive. Too expensive for me. Then for who?
I felt really guilty, but I've contacted the bank, too. What little money we do have, you can't touch. If you really ARE in trouble and need it, I hope I made the right decision. I'm to the point now though where I have to think of the three of us here and not the one gone. I'm not angry - not as angry, I guess - as much as I am just facing reality. This has gone on too long to just sit and wait. I've got to begin to make sure we will be okay.
But the yard is mowed. For whatever that's worth. Your son is really stepping up in your absence. He's quiet and withdrawn, but he's holding it all together. I think you'd be proud.
Maybe I will get out there and tend to the garden now that the grass is cut. Give me something to do before I have to go back to work. I can't just sit here worrying and wondering and jumping every time the phone rings.
I keep hoping and wishing you'd come home. At the moment I don't know if I'd punch you or kiss you if you walked in that door.
I'm beginning to wonder if you ever will again...
Innocence Eroded
I am so confused right now, I hardly know what to write. Actually, I am more than confused, I am so angry I can hardly breathe.
Katy came running in just now in tears.
Someone left a comment on the Facebook page she set up that read "Don't play the innocent, you all know exactly what has been going on."
What the fuck?
Brian tried to follow it back to the user, but it is obviously a fake name.
Then I checked the "other" inbox and there was half a dozen similar messages.
What does this mean? What am I supposed to know that I don't?
Of course, I did my usual trick and picked up the phone to call you. Pretty stupid really.
I really can't believe your phone is somewhere near the house.
How could you have texted me that last time if you had left it home?
And it definitely came from your number.
The kids and I have turned the house upside down looking for it. It certainly isn't anywhere obvious, that is for sure.
And you are definitely not here to explain why your credit card is maxed.
Detective Sommers called again. Apparently they have been able to convince the bank to hand over the records of that card in your name that we have only ever used for emergencies.
Well obviously Asshole, there must have been some HUGE emergency at Tiffany's and the Hyatt Hotel.
$3000 is a shit load of bling and unless you come walking in that door right now with a massive diamond ring, maybe it might be safer not to come home at all.
I told them there must be a mistake.
There has to be a mistake.
They are going to track any more purchases but as it is already up to it's limit, I doubt there will be more.
Is this part of the plan? Not only to send me to the nut house but to bankrupt us too?
You haven't touched our joint accounts but I think I might call the bank.
James said he would mow the lawn. He is out there now.
He is still so quiet about everything that has going on. I worry about him.
I never thought i would have to deal with all this on my own.
I don't know why...
David,
What a day you've missed... I guess my harassing the police did something. They seem to be moving now. My heart dropped when they knocked on the door.
I just knew they had come to tell me you were dead.
They been able to locate the general area of your phone's signal - or so they say... It's here - at the house or somewhere in the general vicinity. I don't know how that's even possible. They asked to look around to see if they could find it. I think they were just being nosy. A few eyebrows were raised at the state of your office - which I have yet to clean up. They asked if anything were missing. James wasn't home and I didn't want them tearing his room up to find the laptop, so I told them no. Technically it's not a lie. It's not missing. It's here. I didn't want them taking it. I don't know why. Detective Sommers - he seems to be the boss - noted that all your shoes seem to be here. I told him you traveled for work and often had clothes with you, but he's right. I never gave it much thought, but it does look like you've left with only the clothes on your back. It never occurred to me that every pair of shoes is here... Perfectly lined up.
I gave them Trevor's name as he will know your work schedule more than I do. Also mentioned Gary since he seems to be not talking to me these days. I really don't know anyone else you are with on a daily basis. I am beginning to realize how much I really don't know about what you do when you leave the house.
It's a bit terrifying.
Katy is more convinced than ever that you've been swooped up by gangsters - or aliens - or drag queens - and carted off to come deep dark dungeons somewhere being held for ransom or some such. Hell, I don't know. She's got her little Facebook project going. I'm just letting her run with it. It keeps her busy and distracted. Maybe it will even help. It can't hurt. Right? (I didn't tell the officers about that either. I don't know why, but I was afraid they'd tell us not to do it. Maybe I should have...)
I guess I should call your parents. That's a call I don't want to make. I'm sure, at least according to your mother, this - whatever this is - is all my fault.
I need to pay the bills. And sort out the damned pool... And the lawn.
I really wish you'd come home. This is all just too much.
Maybe I will just look for your phone. I've looked everywhere. It can't be here. I've looked. I don't know where it would be if it were.
Please, David, just come home.
I don't even care why you left.
I just need you back.
What a day you've missed... I guess my harassing the police did something. They seem to be moving now. My heart dropped when they knocked on the door.
I just knew they had come to tell me you were dead.
They been able to locate the general area of your phone's signal - or so they say... It's here - at the house or somewhere in the general vicinity. I don't know how that's even possible. They asked to look around to see if they could find it. I think they were just being nosy. A few eyebrows were raised at the state of your office - which I have yet to clean up. They asked if anything were missing. James wasn't home and I didn't want them tearing his room up to find the laptop, so I told them no. Technically it's not a lie. It's not missing. It's here. I didn't want them taking it. I don't know why. Detective Sommers - he seems to be the boss - noted that all your shoes seem to be here. I told him you traveled for work and often had clothes with you, but he's right. I never gave it much thought, but it does look like you've left with only the clothes on your back. It never occurred to me that every pair of shoes is here... Perfectly lined up.
I gave them Trevor's name as he will know your work schedule more than I do. Also mentioned Gary since he seems to be not talking to me these days. I really don't know anyone else you are with on a daily basis. I am beginning to realize how much I really don't know about what you do when you leave the house.
It's a bit terrifying.
Katy is more convinced than ever that you've been swooped up by gangsters - or aliens - or drag queens - and carted off to come deep dark dungeons somewhere being held for ransom or some such. Hell, I don't know. She's got her little Facebook project going. I'm just letting her run with it. It keeps her busy and distracted. Maybe it will even help. It can't hurt. Right? (I didn't tell the officers about that either. I don't know why, but I was afraid they'd tell us not to do it. Maybe I should have...)
I guess I should call your parents. That's a call I don't want to make. I'm sure, at least according to your mother, this - whatever this is - is all my fault.
I need to pay the bills. And sort out the damned pool... And the lawn.
I really wish you'd come home. This is all just too much.
Maybe I will just look for your phone. I've looked everywhere. It can't be here. I've looked. I don't know where it would be if it were.
Please, David, just come home.
I don't even care why you left.
I just need you back.
Friday
Dear David,
Another day started without waking up beside you and yet somehow I have managed to get through until now, nearly midnight, without you in my day.
The alarm still goes off at the time you had it set - 5.58 am, in time for the news, but I haven't been getting up and going to work.
I saw the doctor yesterday, begged for some help with sleeping and after deciding that I was exhausted, he wrote the script and a certificate for leave from work.
At least that way, I will still get paid while we work out what to do next.
As for your work, Trevor your boss, called today and offered to cover your absence with your accrued leave so the money is still coming in.
You know, I wondered if you have a bank account I didn't know about, that perhaps you have been squirreling money away just so you can leave, but we always trusted each other, never pried or looked through each others stuff so I have no idea. I told the police that too, when they asked.
We used to trust each other.
I know the young female officer thought that was a bit odd, but it was true.
You never gave me reason to dig through your things or check your phone or laptop.
There was four plates of food on the table tonight again.
We had a guest. Katy apparently has a boyfriend and his name is Brian. They turned up together on his motorcycle. Yes, he rides a motorcycle and has a job at the local McDonald's.
I wasn't sure what to think when he walked in behind her. But, you can tell when he looks at her, he cares for her and even though he looks, at first glance, like he might end up in prison one day , he is actually kind of sweet and has lovely manners, calling me Mrs and even pushing Katy to do the dishes tonight.
Together they have decided to set up a missing person page on Facebook.
Katy seems to have decided that you have definitely been kidnapped by Russian mobsters and all it will take is a social media blitz to find you and get you home.
I really am not sure, but if it keeps her busy then I will let her do it.
She was cross when it was hard to find a decent recent photo of you. She doesn't understand that some people don't actually like having their every move documented, but we found one that would work and now the search for you has hit cyberspace.
James hasn't been home a lot the last couple of days. When I ask him where he has been, he tells me that he has been with Blair.
He usually comes in around dinner time though but then disappears up to his room. He is so quiet about it all. I am worried about him, but he refuses to talk to me other than telling me he will get your laptop sorted.
So I leave him be.
Today your father called me. He had heard my messages on the answering machine and after getting no sense from Myrtle, decided to try to find out what was going on from me.
All I could tell him was that you went to work on Tuesday, and you haven't come home. That you are now a "missing person".
Your mother apparently thinks though that you finally came to your senses and left me.
And that it will be only a matter of time before you call them.
So I said the only thing I could think of. "When he does, can you ask him to call me too"
Stupid
I knew she didn't think much of me in the beginning but you would have thought 21 years and two grandchildren would have allowed her to like me a little.
God knows I have tried to like her.
Bitch.
I am sorry, I know she is your mother, but...
Gary still hasn't rung me back. I left him a message...
I am still jumping when the phone rings. A telemarketer probably thinks I am nuts when I screamed at him to get off the line and then hung up on him.
The electricity bill came today also. It made me realise that you said you would adjust the time the pool filter ran, And then I realised that the lawn needs mowing and I have no idea how to even start the mower...
If you don't come back, I will need to sell the house...
Why am I even thinking this?
Of course you are coming back
I took one of those pills tonight.
I think it is starting to kick in....
Another day started without waking up beside you and yet somehow I have managed to get through until now, nearly midnight, without you in my day.
The alarm still goes off at the time you had it set - 5.58 am, in time for the news, but I haven't been getting up and going to work.
I saw the doctor yesterday, begged for some help with sleeping and after deciding that I was exhausted, he wrote the script and a certificate for leave from work.
At least that way, I will still get paid while we work out what to do next.
As for your work, Trevor your boss, called today and offered to cover your absence with your accrued leave so the money is still coming in.
You know, I wondered if you have a bank account I didn't know about, that perhaps you have been squirreling money away just so you can leave, but we always trusted each other, never pried or looked through each others stuff so I have no idea. I told the police that too, when they asked.
We used to trust each other.
I know the young female officer thought that was a bit odd, but it was true.
You never gave me reason to dig through your things or check your phone or laptop.
There was four plates of food on the table tonight again.
We had a guest. Katy apparently has a boyfriend and his name is Brian. They turned up together on his motorcycle. Yes, he rides a motorcycle and has a job at the local McDonald's.
I wasn't sure what to think when he walked in behind her. But, you can tell when he looks at her, he cares for her and even though he looks, at first glance, like he might end up in prison one day , he is actually kind of sweet and has lovely manners, calling me Mrs and even pushing Katy to do the dishes tonight.
Together they have decided to set up a missing person page on Facebook.
Katy seems to have decided that you have definitely been kidnapped by Russian mobsters and all it will take is a social media blitz to find you and get you home.
I really am not sure, but if it keeps her busy then I will let her do it.
She was cross when it was hard to find a decent recent photo of you. She doesn't understand that some people don't actually like having their every move documented, but we found one that would work and now the search for you has hit cyberspace.
James hasn't been home a lot the last couple of days. When I ask him where he has been, he tells me that he has been with Blair.
He usually comes in around dinner time though but then disappears up to his room. He is so quiet about it all. I am worried about him, but he refuses to talk to me other than telling me he will get your laptop sorted.
So I leave him be.
Today your father called me. He had heard my messages on the answering machine and after getting no sense from Myrtle, decided to try to find out what was going on from me.
All I could tell him was that you went to work on Tuesday, and you haven't come home. That you are now a "missing person".
Your mother apparently thinks though that you finally came to your senses and left me.
And that it will be only a matter of time before you call them.
So I said the only thing I could think of. "When he does, can you ask him to call me too"
Stupid
I knew she didn't think much of me in the beginning but you would have thought 21 years and two grandchildren would have allowed her to like me a little.
God knows I have tried to like her.
Bitch.
I am sorry, I know she is your mother, but...
Gary still hasn't rung me back. I left him a message...
I am still jumping when the phone rings. A telemarketer probably thinks I am nuts when I screamed at him to get off the line and then hung up on him.
The electricity bill came today also. It made me realise that you said you would adjust the time the pool filter ran, And then I realised that the lawn needs mowing and I have no idea how to even start the mower...
If you don't come back, I will need to sell the house...
Why am I even thinking this?
Of course you are coming back
I took one of those pills tonight.
I think it is starting to kick in....
Questions. Still No Answers.
Dear Husband...
Well it seems a hangover is a great motivator. Or at least mine was. I'm tired of just sitting and waiting. I want answers.
You didn't get dinner last night. I really didn't see the point.
Went down and sat at the police station today until someone talked to me. I figured they couldn't ignore me forever. They've been able to get a signal from your phone but are having a hard time pinpointing its location. It seems this happens when the phone is either dead or damaged. You know I don't understand all this technology stuff, but it's rather foreboding... Dead or damaged.
But, they're "working on it." I'd hate to see them try to put out a fire.
Your office here is a complete disaster, by the way. I may have upended it looking for some idea as to where you've vanished to. Perhaps I'll clean it up later. It didn't make my list. I did find your laptop in your desk. Do you always keep it in your desk? I can't remember. I don't know your password, though, so a lot of good it does me. I don't know why you wouldn't take it if you'd intended to leave. Yet another thing that doesn't make sense. James assures me he can get through the password. He's going to look at it this evening when he gets in. I guess we'll see what happens.
I miss you. I do. But more than anything I want to know why... or what... I still just do not understand. I had the notion that you were hiding out at your mom's. She won't take my calls, which in itself is odd considering she calls here incessantly when you are home - often when you're not... And now, nothing - to add to the rest of the nothing. Does she know something I don't? I won't admit to checking over there to see if I saw you - but unless your car is hidden away somewhere else and you're hiding in the back room while she goes about her day, you're not there.
Of course without you here, she has no fight to pick with me, I guess... Maybe that's all it is. It's still weird that she's not calling you to change a lightbulb or inspect that weird noise in her vacuum or whatever else needs tending to thatday hour...
I just can't help but wonder.
Gary seems to be hard to find these days, too. I talked to him the day you left (if you left), but I've not heard from him since, either. Not that I talk to Gary that often, but it just seems odd that he's not answering me back either.
Maybe I am just being paranoid.
Maybe I am just losing my mind.
Maybe it's just this damned hangover... Not had one of these in a while.
Maybe I am just completely exhausted.
It's been days now. I don't know that I am losing hope as much as I am beginning to face some kind of a reality. What that reality is, I am still not sure.
Maybe you did just leave. I think that would be easier to take that thinking something's happened to you. At least then I could be mad instead of worried.
Right now, I am a little bit of both.
And heartbroken.
So I ask again... where are you?
Well it seems a hangover is a great motivator. Or at least mine was. I'm tired of just sitting and waiting. I want answers.
You didn't get dinner last night. I really didn't see the point.
Went down and sat at the police station today until someone talked to me. I figured they couldn't ignore me forever. They've been able to get a signal from your phone but are having a hard time pinpointing its location. It seems this happens when the phone is either dead or damaged. You know I don't understand all this technology stuff, but it's rather foreboding... Dead or damaged.
But, they're "working on it." I'd hate to see them try to put out a fire.
Your office here is a complete disaster, by the way. I may have upended it looking for some idea as to where you've vanished to. Perhaps I'll clean it up later. It didn't make my list. I did find your laptop in your desk. Do you always keep it in your desk? I can't remember. I don't know your password, though, so a lot of good it does me. I don't know why you wouldn't take it if you'd intended to leave. Yet another thing that doesn't make sense. James assures me he can get through the password. He's going to look at it this evening when he gets in. I guess we'll see what happens.
I miss you. I do. But more than anything I want to know why... or what... I still just do not understand. I had the notion that you were hiding out at your mom's. She won't take my calls, which in itself is odd considering she calls here incessantly when you are home - often when you're not... And now, nothing - to add to the rest of the nothing. Does she know something I don't? I won't admit to checking over there to see if I saw you - but unless your car is hidden away somewhere else and you're hiding in the back room while she goes about her day, you're not there.
Of course without you here, she has no fight to pick with me, I guess... Maybe that's all it is. It's still weird that she's not calling you to change a lightbulb or inspect that weird noise in her vacuum or whatever else needs tending to that
I just can't help but wonder.
Gary seems to be hard to find these days, too. I talked to him the day you left (if you left), but I've not heard from him since, either. Not that I talk to Gary that often, but it just seems odd that he's not answering me back either.
Maybe I am just being paranoid.
Maybe I am just losing my mind.
Maybe it's just this damned hangover... Not had one of these in a while.
Maybe I am just completely exhausted.
It's been days now. I don't know that I am losing hope as much as I am beginning to face some kind of a reality. What that reality is, I am still not sure.
Maybe you did just leave. I think that would be easier to take that thinking something's happened to you. At least then I could be mad instead of worried.
Right now, I am a little bit of both.
And heartbroken.
So I ask again... where are you?
Hungover
Oh David
You would be laughing at me right now.
If you were here.
It is 6.15am, your side of the bed is still empty and I have the hangover from hell.
And I now know what hell actually feels like.
Rolling over to kiss you good morning only to touch cold sheets. That is hell.
Calling your name and getting no answer. That is hell.
Every time the phone rings and it isn't you...hell.
Sue did come over last night, not long after what is becoming the nightly ritual of throwing the uneaten plate of dinner from the night before, away and replacing it with another, carefully plastic wrapped plate of food that I fear will also go uneaten.
She took one look at me and the kitchen with the dishes piled up on the sink and then hauled the children from their rooms and set them to work.
Then she marched me up to our room and told me to shower and change into something fresh.
It was then I realised that I hadn't showered since Tuesday. The day you didn't come home.
I wanted to, really, but I was terrified that even those few moments away from the phone and I would miss your call.
So I didn't.
The shower felt good, and I washed my horrible hair and dug out some clothes. Jeans, and one of your t-shirts. Clean, but I was sure I could smell you on it as I pulled it over my head.
As I looked in the mirror, all I could see were the dark circles under my eyes, and I thought about some makeup, but it was only Sue, and it was all too hard.
She handed me a glass of red wine as I walked into the living room, and sat me down on the couch.
On the coffee table, there was food, cheese, crackers, that sort of thing, but my stomach just churned at the thought of food.
I am not sure I have really even eaten since ..
What do I say here? Since you left? Didn't come home? Disappeared?
Oh Fuck I feel vile.
One glass became two, became another bottle.
And another and possibly a third. Not sure. Maybe I need to count the empties.
And we talked, or maybe I did. I don't know.
I know I cried. And I may have got angry.
I think I might have smashed a glass. Things got a little blurry.
But I remember at one point, insisting on putting on Mama Mia. "because it makes me laugh"
We used to joke about that terrible movie.
"No more fucking Abba" you would say and you would laugh.
But last night it just made me cry. God I am sick of crying.
Sue is still asleep on the couch. I am not sure if she drank as much as me, but she stayed to look after me.
I love her for that.
Now I am going to find something for this headache, and make coffee.
No point waiting for you to make it.
You are not here
You would be laughing at me right now.
If you were here.
It is 6.15am, your side of the bed is still empty and I have the hangover from hell.
And I now know what hell actually feels like.
Rolling over to kiss you good morning only to touch cold sheets. That is hell.
Calling your name and getting no answer. That is hell.
Every time the phone rings and it isn't you...hell.
Sue did come over last night, not long after what is becoming the nightly ritual of throwing the uneaten plate of dinner from the night before, away and replacing it with another, carefully plastic wrapped plate of food that I fear will also go uneaten.
She took one look at me and the kitchen with the dishes piled up on the sink and then hauled the children from their rooms and set them to work.
Then she marched me up to our room and told me to shower and change into something fresh.
It was then I realised that I hadn't showered since Tuesday. The day you didn't come home.
I wanted to, really, but I was terrified that even those few moments away from the phone and I would miss your call.
So I didn't.
The shower felt good, and I washed my horrible hair and dug out some clothes. Jeans, and one of your t-shirts. Clean, but I was sure I could smell you on it as I pulled it over my head.
As I looked in the mirror, all I could see were the dark circles under my eyes, and I thought about some makeup, but it was only Sue, and it was all too hard.
She handed me a glass of red wine as I walked into the living room, and sat me down on the couch.
On the coffee table, there was food, cheese, crackers, that sort of thing, but my stomach just churned at the thought of food.
I am not sure I have really even eaten since ..
What do I say here? Since you left? Didn't come home? Disappeared?
Oh Fuck I feel vile.
One glass became two, became another bottle.
And another and possibly a third. Not sure. Maybe I need to count the empties.
And we talked, or maybe I did. I don't know.
I know I cried. And I may have got angry.
I think I might have smashed a glass. Things got a little blurry.
But I remember at one point, insisting on putting on Mama Mia. "because it makes me laugh"
We used to joke about that terrible movie.
"No more fucking Abba" you would say and you would laugh.
But last night it just made me cry. God I am sick of crying.
Sue is still asleep on the couch. I am not sure if she drank as much as me, but she stayed to look after me.
I love her for that.
Now I am going to find something for this headache, and make coffee.
No point waiting for you to make it.
You are not here
Unlisted...
Well, my love, I hope you are having fun - where ever you are - because no one but me seems to be concerned by your absence.
Except Katy Cat, of course, but then again not having the right outfit to wear to the dance leads to a near apocalyptic meltdown...
So maybe it IS just me. Maybe you just needed a break. None of this makes any sense. We've never even gone to bed mad at each other... Ever.
It's just not like you.
I rang the police today to report you missing. They seem to think that I am just a bored and over-anxious housewife. They'll look into it, they said. I am to let them know when I hear from you. They're going to see about locating your phone, but if it's out of power, they're not making any guarantees that they will even be able to find it. No one seems to think anything is amiss, and I can't make them understand you just wouldn't leave... Just wouldn't call. Even if you were cross with me, I'd know it. To not know anything at all just doesn't make sense. Your mother doesn't even seem ruffled by your disappearance. She sounded more annoyed than anything. She wants you to call her.
I am just so exhausted. I sat down to make a list of things I needed to do. I found myself an hour later staring at a blank page. I can't think straight. I can't sleep. I drove around town earlier looking for your car, thinking perhaps you'd run into trouble somewhere...
Nothing.
It's like you never existed, except I see your boots still by the door from the last time you wore them, dried mud still caked to the soles (and dirtying the floor, I might add). I can't even remember now where you went to get them so muddy...
But you were here, and you went somewhere.
I just wish you'd come home.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Sue is coming over this evening for a glass of wine after dinner. I think she's just coming over to make sure I'm not coming completely unhinged. She keeps telling me how silly I am.
You'll be home...
I hope she's right.
Except Katy Cat, of course, but then again not having the right outfit to wear to the dance leads to a near apocalyptic meltdown...
So maybe it IS just me. Maybe you just needed a break. None of this makes any sense. We've never even gone to bed mad at each other... Ever.
It's just not like you.
I rang the police today to report you missing. They seem to think that I am just a bored and over-anxious housewife. They'll look into it, they said. I am to let them know when I hear from you. They're going to see about locating your phone, but if it's out of power, they're not making any guarantees that they will even be able to find it. No one seems to think anything is amiss, and I can't make them understand you just wouldn't leave... Just wouldn't call. Even if you were cross with me, I'd know it. To not know anything at all just doesn't make sense. Your mother doesn't even seem ruffled by your disappearance. She sounded more annoyed than anything. She wants you to call her.
I am just so exhausted. I sat down to make a list of things I needed to do. I found myself an hour later staring at a blank page. I can't think straight. I can't sleep. I drove around town earlier looking for your car, thinking perhaps you'd run into trouble somewhere...
Nothing.
It's like you never existed, except I see your boots still by the door from the last time you wore them, dried mud still caked to the soles (and dirtying the floor, I might add). I can't even remember now where you went to get them so muddy...
But you were here, and you went somewhere.
I just wish you'd come home.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Sue is coming over this evening for a glass of wine after dinner. I think she's just coming over to make sure I'm not coming completely unhinged. She keeps telling me how silly I am.
You'll be home...
I hope she's right.
2nd April
My darling,
I threw out the dinner I left for you last night, and replaced it with your serve from tonight.
Steak and Vegetables, simple food, the way you like it.
It was then, over dinner that I told the children that you haven't been home for more than a day, and the hardest thing, telling them that I have no idea where you are.
Katy, our little drama queen, burst into tears, like she does. Always her Daddy's girl as you know so well.
James just went silent before coming and wrapping his arms around me in an awkward hug.
I broke then. The exhaustion and the worry, combined with that hug, I couldn't stop the tears.
I am writing this now, through blurry eyes, but writing seems to help.
Where are you? I keep asking and you don't answer.
Why haven't you called?
Even if your phone is dead. You would call.
You said you loved me...
Ridiculous thoughts keep creeping in to my head. I keep going over and over our last conversations, and wondering what might have made you leave?
We promised we would be together forever...
The clock in the hallway just chimed. 4am.
I can't face the bed tonight so I am just sitting on the couch, in the quiet. The kids are asleep. I checked on them before making a cup of tea around midnight and since then I have just been sitting.
You know it is the little things, the little routines that really underline the fact that you are not here.
The bed time cup of tea, that you can make so much better than me, the first coffee in the morning, always served with a kiss.
I miss your kisses so much.
This is so different to when you have gone away with work. You would call, always. Especially before bed.
And you would whisper good night as I would reluctantly hang up the phone.
I am so tired, and my heart is aching.
I need to make a list, for tomorrow.
If you are not home in the morning, I am calling the police.
Also I need to call your work, and mine too, they will be wondering why I haven't been in today.
And I suppose I better call Myrtle. Your mother needs to know her son is missing.
I threw out the dinner I left for you last night, and replaced it with your serve from tonight.
Steak and Vegetables, simple food, the way you like it.
It was then, over dinner that I told the children that you haven't been home for more than a day, and the hardest thing, telling them that I have no idea where you are.
Katy, our little drama queen, burst into tears, like she does. Always her Daddy's girl as you know so well.
James just went silent before coming and wrapping his arms around me in an awkward hug.
I broke then. The exhaustion and the worry, combined with that hug, I couldn't stop the tears.
I am writing this now, through blurry eyes, but writing seems to help.
Where are you? I keep asking and you don't answer.
Why haven't you called?
Even if your phone is dead. You would call.
You said you loved me...
Ridiculous thoughts keep creeping in to my head. I keep going over and over our last conversations, and wondering what might have made you leave?
We promised we would be together forever...
The clock in the hallway just chimed. 4am.
I can't face the bed tonight so I am just sitting on the couch, in the quiet. The kids are asleep. I checked on them before making a cup of tea around midnight and since then I have just been sitting.
You know it is the little things, the little routines that really underline the fact that you are not here.
The bed time cup of tea, that you can make so much better than me, the first coffee in the morning, always served with a kiss.
I miss your kisses so much.
This is so different to when you have gone away with work. You would call, always. Especially before bed.
And you would whisper good night as I would reluctantly hang up the phone.
I am so tired, and my heart is aching.
I need to make a list, for tomorrow.
If you are not home in the morning, I am calling the police.
Also I need to call your work, and mine too, they will be wondering why I haven't been in today.
And I suppose I better call Myrtle. Your mother needs to know her son is missing.
When?
Now I really don't know what to think. I didn't sleep at all. Every noise I thought was you coming in. I'm exhausted and my mind is stretched to the limit. I tried to act as though nothing is wrong this morning with the kids, but I am ready to break. They didn't seem to notice. I think they just assumed you'd already left for work. They'd probably just roll their eyes at my fussing anyway. Tell me it was no big deal.
But it's been almost a whole day since you walked out the door. I go from talking to myself and talking to you - neither of which is very good company...
Your phone doesn't even ring through now. It just goes immediately to voicemail. Not that it's all that unusual. Did you forget to charge it again? Have you lost yet another charger? I think we've paid more for chargers than we have for the dumb phone itself...
Called the office but they weren't expecting you in today anyway, so that's no help. You're actually not supposed to be in until mid-week. I don't know who was on your schedule, so I don't even know where to look, but surely someone else will be missing you soon. I don't know what to do. I am afraid I am just being silly. You'll walk back in the door and have a laugh at how worried I've been.
I even thought about calling the police... But you have to be actually missing for two days before they do anything anyway - so there's not much I can do. Which seems absolutely ridiculous to me. A lot can happen in two days.
I went through your closet, trying to find something missing. Maybe you just left. You're always packed for your travels with work, though, so it's hard to tell what's not here that should be. I think it would be easier to think that you just up and left than to consider the possibility that something's happened to you. I don't know if I can bear it. I'd rather be left than to lose you...
So I just wait. And worry. And...
...worry.
Where are you, David?
When are you coming home?
ARE you coming home?
But it's been almost a whole day since you walked out the door. I go from talking to myself and talking to you - neither of which is very good company...
Your phone doesn't even ring through now. It just goes immediately to voicemail. Not that it's all that unusual. Did you forget to charge it again? Have you lost yet another charger? I think we've paid more for chargers than we have for the dumb phone itself...
Called the office but they weren't expecting you in today anyway, so that's no help. You're actually not supposed to be in until mid-week. I don't know who was on your schedule, so I don't even know where to look, but surely someone else will be missing you soon. I don't know what to do. I am afraid I am just being silly. You'll walk back in the door and have a laugh at how worried I've been.
I even thought about calling the police... But you have to be actually missing for two days before they do anything anyway - so there's not much I can do. Which seems absolutely ridiculous to me. A lot can happen in two days.
I went through your closet, trying to find something missing. Maybe you just left. You're always packed for your travels with work, though, so it's hard to tell what's not here that should be. I think it would be easier to think that you just up and left than to consider the possibility that something's happened to you. I don't know if I can bear it. I'd rather be left than to lose you...
So I just wait. And worry. And...
...worry.
Where are you, David?
When are you coming home?
ARE you coming home?
1st April
My Darling David,
The bedside clock tells me that it is 3.13am and I can't sleep.
I have tried counting sheep, even reading for a while but my mind keeps telling me that it is now nearly 11 hours since I first thought I would hear you pull into the driveway and come through the front door.
Same time every day.
11 hours that I have paced the floor and waited.
And now I sit in our bed, trying to work out why you haven't come home.
Where are you my love?
Why haven't you called?
Or returned my calls?
So many times now I have tried to call you tonight and it just goes to voice mail.
And no text since lunch time.
"I love you"
"I love you more"
You should be here, beside me, all sprawled out, tangled in the sheets, your soft snoring both annoying and yet comforting.
But the space beside me is empty.
And I don't know why.
When you didn't answer my calls, I just thought maybe your phone was dead. So we had dinner, and your plate is in the fridge..waiting for you.
The children and I did the dishes. Typical teenagers, so wrapped up in their own world didn't really notice that you had missed dinner.
James did ask where you were, but when Katy assumed that you were at a meeting, I just let it go.
I rang Gary, just in case you had gone down the club, and Sue and Paul.
And then I rang your Mother.
I thought for a moment you might have planned to go and finally fix that sticking door of hers, but when she told me that you hadn't been by, I didn't know what to say, so I lied and told her that I heard you car pull up just then.
Every car in the street has had me at the window. Every noise has made me jump.
But the phone is silent. I have it plugged in here, next to the bed. I can't risk it going flat.
Where are you David? This isn't like you.
This bed is too empty. Our room too quiet.
I can't sleep without you.
Please come home.
The bedside clock tells me that it is 3.13am and I can't sleep.
I have tried counting sheep, even reading for a while but my mind keeps telling me that it is now nearly 11 hours since I first thought I would hear you pull into the driveway and come through the front door.
Same time every day.
11 hours that I have paced the floor and waited.
And now I sit in our bed, trying to work out why you haven't come home.
Where are you my love?
Why haven't you called?
Or returned my calls?
So many times now I have tried to call you tonight and it just goes to voice mail.
And no text since lunch time.
"I love you"
"I love you more"
You should be here, beside me, all sprawled out, tangled in the sheets, your soft snoring both annoying and yet comforting.
But the space beside me is empty.
And I don't know why.
When you didn't answer my calls, I just thought maybe your phone was dead. So we had dinner, and your plate is in the fridge..waiting for you.
The children and I did the dishes. Typical teenagers, so wrapped up in their own world didn't really notice that you had missed dinner.
James did ask where you were, but when Katy assumed that you were at a meeting, I just let it go.
I rang Gary, just in case you had gone down the club, and Sue and Paul.
And then I rang your Mother.
I thought for a moment you might have planned to go and finally fix that sticking door of hers, but when she told me that you hadn't been by, I didn't know what to say, so I lied and told her that I heard you car pull up just then.
Every car in the street has had me at the window. Every noise has made me jump.
But the phone is silent. I have it plugged in here, next to the bed. I can't risk it going flat.
Where are you David? This isn't like you.
This bed is too empty. Our room too quiet.
I can't sleep without you.
Please come home.
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